What is it like to be alone in a new city?

Collage by Ama Otuo

It is checking your pockets for your keys three times before you’ve stepped out.

Then when you do, you pull them out, hold them so tight in your hand they may as well draw blood and look at them whilst closing the door.

Who knows — they might disappear in your hands and there’ll be no one to save you.

Three point seven million people in the city and you do not know a single one.

Nobody cares about you but your keys — they are everything.

And every time someone says ‚was?‘ or ,wie bitte?‘ and looks at you like they’ve finally realised you are alien, you clutch your keys to remind yourself that you can escape.

You could have stayed in your new room and easily participated in cultural immersion from the balcony. Nobody forced you to go try and talk to any of the three point seven million only to be gawked at.

Look — you could’ve eavesdropped on the conversations from the struggling couple in the apartment above, or the patrons in the döner place across the street; that would’ve been good — you could’ve practiced how to order döner so you don’t get any surprises.

But because you didn't do that, when asked ‚nochetwasheute?‘ by the cashier at Bio Markt before she quoted the extortionate price for a pack of cranberries, oat milk, pasta and tea, you froze and (frazzled) you said, ‘Sorry?’. Fortunately for you the Germans are now adopting anglicisms so, ‘sorry’ is as German as it is English and she hadn’t fully sussed you out (but after seeing that fluorescent pink Monzo card, she was definitely suspicious).

Being lonely in a city is looking at your keys, every time you sense a hint of anxiety because though cities are meant to be explored, you might feel less guilty about yourself surrounded by four strangely decorated walls you will have to get to know, so they don’t close in on your dreams and embody your nightmares. The desire to escape is isolating. You are meant to be alone in your room. In the city, you are not.

All images belong to the author, unless otherwise stated.